Random comment....

I mean.....what if I die?

One of my fav pics I ever took in Italy, Wade (Rome), Audra (Salerno), and Marissa (Rome)

So, as many of you know, our dear friend and an awesome gal who loved Jesus died this past weekend........Marissa Ahamad

She was an amazing woman of God, and even though I could count the occasions that we saw each other on my fingers and toes, she was such a huge part of my life (as all staff in Italy during the time I was there) that I feel a loss.....even if we hadn't seen each other in over a year.

Now I don't mean to make this a recap of how amazing she is, because for one thing, I'm not good with words, and another thing, I can think of at lot more people better fit to do that than I.....but I do want to share my thoughts and feelings from the time I found out she was sick till today.

In the big scheme of my spiritual life, there was nothing better than Italy for me and God. The crazy situations, the intense emotions, and the times of realizing our depravity that STINT takes people through is an experience like no other.......and anybody who goes through it knows that only the people in that club will ever fully understand what went on while you were gone.

I have never been in such a large group of people who I felt so close to by barely even trying. We all loved God, we all wanted to share that love for God with others, and we knew how important it was to support each other while we tried to change the world. You get 40 people together like that and see how dear to each other you become. Even if I never see any of them again, all of the people who shared Italy with me in my 2 years are SUCH a big part of my life, they don't even know......

On that note, there's a big emptiness in the Marissa space of my Italy puzzle......

When I found out on Sunday night, I tried to not let it get to me, after all, I wasn't her teammate for 2 years, I wasn't in her family, I wasn't even one of her friends from back home.....did I have a right to? I knew other people were way more affected by her absence than I was, but the Marissa space of my Italy puzzle was now missing daggummit!

But then I started to think.....since she was a part of my "Sharing God with others" life, I have never been so sure of where she was going than anybody else I have known to die.....then I started smiling. I got even more conflicted, with the sadness of her being here, in the KNOWN, and the joy of her being in my UNKNOWN.......where she is no longer in pain, and she is the perfect being that God made her to be.

That got me SO EXCITED. Like she's the first piece of my Italy puzzle in the eternal glory that is HEAVEN. She is WITH God, our CREATOR, the one who cares for EVERY hair on our HEADS, who went through the torment of being CRUCIFIED.....I could go on for a while.....but I wont ;)

She put a face on being with God.....She put a face on following him through trials here on earth to get to eternity........She put a face on knowing that the hereafter is a million times better than what I can ever imagine at this moment........She put a face on looking past earthly dreams to grasp God's dream for us........

Tonight was 7|22 at Buckhead......I hadn't talked about this with anybody who didn't know her, ya know, because of that club thing.......I had tried to keep it all in most of the time, but I just think it all piled up and fell on me tonight. Jeannie Stevens talked about waiting on God and how we hold on so tightly to things that God wants us to loosen our grip on so he can do amazing things. And how that matched up to my mind partially was if I was Marissa......what would I had wanted to do with my life....cling to things I wanted, or let God have everything and let him bring me his joy and love......who WOULDN'T want the 2nd option? I feel strange for letting one of my friend's deaths be an inspiration for me, but make something REAL to me, and it rocks my world......

Then they played this song (which will forever remind me of KEB)
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

So I let this dig deeper into me some more and what I think I hold onto the most is what plans I have NEXT.....after this job, or this project......I want to make sure I will be ok after this stage is over. My job at the Braves has JUST started, and what, I'm already thinking of what I can do to make sure I have SOMETHING after that? No, God knows.......he will take me where he wants me to go.........even if I don't have a clue,

"Delight in the Lord, and he will give you your hearts desires" Psalm 37:4

and my motto of first year;

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act" Psalm 37:7

I would rather spend the rest of my life seeking God and his heart rather than worrying about my next step, preparing for MY plans......because....

I mean.....what if I die?
Marissa in Positano

posted by Kat @ 10:51 PM