From this moment.....
I can think of one word to describe the next step in my life........fearI was thinking the other day about my whole "adult" life up till now. I mean, I moved to college and finished that and all, but after I became a holder of a bachelor degree and almost started to be responsible and stuff.....and now I am looking forward. And I'm scared.
Yeah, this is pretty weird......is scared a feeling? yeah, I finally have a feeling.
My whole "responsible" life has been Crusade. A group that I was involved in for one year in college, and 2 years nowadays. I am looking at a future outside of that.....literally, my whole world is being taken away from me and I can't do a thing about it.
I don't like change. For the past 2 years, I have gotten to know people from all over America who live all over the world. They follow Jesus and have a passion for sharing it with others. We have had the same experiences, yet so different, but we understand each other. I have had the same Godly people surrounding me to help me through things, have even had the same friends. I have heard countless talks from Sketrow and Haswell, heard Matt Mikalotos' potato story, jeremy's support story, and have caught the vision for worldwide evangelism. My co-workers have been foreced to be my roomates as well as my friends. I have been in a spiritual pressure cooker for the past 2 years. Next year......nothing.
When I leave this crusade world, I won't have the support system that I have known for "so long". Its like taking me, a little person in a snowglobe, out of there and putting me on the countertop with a loaf of bread and soap. Its so foreign! (I know that didn't make sense at all, but I am insane at the moment)
My closest friends who I have gone through these times with will be SO FAR away from me next year. Part of me wants to go to National Staff Conference this summer at CSU JUST because I can't leave this world. One last hurrah......or maybe one last ditch effort to not leave my world.
I said today that I am glad that I don't have any hopes and dreams to be quashed or taken away......but that scares the heck outta me, mainly because it seems like hopes and dreams seem to define people. I love talking about Jesus (even though sometimes I don't believe his love) but that's all I know. I loved some parts of my Disney job, but they're not my passions in life. I don't know what my passions are! That's probably what my biggest fear. The unknown.
I might come back and have a better way of writing this, but these are my thoughts at the moment......and I am pooped.
:)
posted by Kat @ 1:43 PM
3 Comments:
I love you dear Kat and I know that God will bring you a new set of circumstances and people to teach you about who you are in Him and more importantly... who He is! I am excited for you to go out into the world and be who God created you to be... don't worry... He has not and will not drop you... He likes who He created you to be.
Hey, just wanted to say that the whole snow globe/loaf of bread/soap thing made complete sense to me. I am right there with you.
kat i don't think you could have written this any better.
such a great piece. thanks for giving me more insight to how you're doing these days - i mean, we do live together and all. but i definitely understand how writing it out makes everything seem a lot more cohesive and well-processed.
love you. with a pure kind of love.
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